60 Days of Little Introspection, Day 7: What do I do if my partner isn’t in the lifestyle, but I am?

Good Evening Friends!

I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend! Around here the Captain and I have been hard at work getting the site setup and working on our next little space book. If you haven’t already joined us on our socials, please scroll down and consider following us on Instagram and Twitter! We would love for you to subscribe to the site to get daily blog posts about little space right into your inbox. For today’s topic we will be discussing what to do when one partner is in the lifestyle but the other is not. Are you ready? Then, let’s dive in!

I. Grow while sharing your passion, but don’t force it on your partner:

Back when I first discovered that I was a Little I was diving head first into the lifestyle but the Captain was not. While we both were kinky at heart, he just wasn’t as motivated (at the time) to read, learn, and connect with others in the lifestyle. I remember feeling so frustrated because I wanted him to be my Daddy and things just weren’t clicking with him! For months we argued as I pushed books into his hands, or linked him videos and still things stalled. He would come home from work feeling tired, and instead of picking up a BDSM book to read, he would play games on the computer. Eventually I figured out that I couldn’t “make” him learn how to be my Daddy. I couldn’t make him do anything! But I didn’t need to. I began learning how to slip into Little Space on my own, and to make time just for me to be small. As I did, he began noticing the changes within me. I became happier and my passion to be a part of the community blossomed. Slowly, his curiosity piqued and he began reading, watching videos, and finally began talking to other dominants in the lifestyle.

If you’re facing a similar situation I encourage you to continue your own personal journey as a dominant or a submissive, while still enjoying your relationship with your partner. You don’t need to have a D/s relationship to experience the benefits of BDSM. You can learn and explore this part of yourself without dragging your partner into the lifestyle. By allowing your partner the autonomy and freedom to choose if this lifestyle is for them or not, things will come together naturally as they were meant to be. Every relationship is built on trust, love, and understanding, so be patient and know that whatever they choose it will all be okay.

II. Be honest about your needs (and theirs), and then compromise:

When you first get into the lifestyle everything is so new, fresh, and exciting. It’s not uncommon for new subs to yearn for attention all the time from their dominant. They might want play sessions galore, or to have an entire play room to be Little constantly. But the reality is that unless you have a 24/7 T.P.E. (total power exchange) relationship, we all have to learn to balance our normal lives with our kink life. We have to pay the bills, take care of the kids, go to work or university, care for our pets, all while finding time to be Little or to care for our Little One. It’s important that you share with your partner what your needs are as a Little. Sit down and discuss with them:

  • What type of Little you feel that you are and why.

  • How much little space time you desire to have every week

  • What things put you in little space (and what does not)

  • What names you prefer to be called in little space

  • What kinks, fetishes, and fantasies you have (and learn theirs too!)

  • What dreams you have as a Little and your connection to the lifestyle. (Do you wish to attend an ageplay convention? Do you want your own play space? Do you want to wear diapers? etc.)

Once you sit down with your partner and you both discuss at length every part of your little space, then it’s time to compromise. Being with a partner who isn’t in the lifestyle can be tricky, but not impossible to handle. The goal of the conversation is to work with your partner to have an arrangement that you both are comfortable with. If your partner is totally against the BDSM lifestyle, find out why. Educate them on what the Cg/l lifestyle is about. Dispel any misconceptions that might arise (and often do with vanilla people). If your partner is open to some aspects about little space, but not others, work within their comfort zone. Start off small and keep to their limits while still honoring your desires too. Work out a plan or arrangement where both of your needs get met. It might not be perfect in the beginning, but with love, patience, understanding, and a whole lot of communication… I promise you can make it work! 🙂

III. Approach every conversation with love:

Over the past 10 years the Captain and I have worked extremely hard on our communication. We both came from backgrounds where we didn’t know how to communicate through those hard times without blowing up and getting angry. But over the years we have forced ourselves to slow down, remain calm, and talk through things. After learning about Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, we began practicing these steps of communicating in a way that deepened our respect for one another. I’ll admit that it wasn’t easy and it took us several years of talking until we were blue in the face! But now it comes like second nature, and it can work for you too. Approach every conversation with your non-lifestyle partner from a place of love. Remain focused on hearing how they feel and what they have to say. Understand that adult littles and the Cg/l lifestyle are highly misunderstood by most of society. Your partner might have the wrong idea about why you are little, and what you need in your little space. But the good news is that you can help undo the negative mental images that they might have about the community. You can be an advocate for this lifestyle and demonstrate just how wonderful being an adult little can be! So, remain kind, stay calm, focus on working together, and the rest will slowly fall into place. The Captain and I are cheering you on every step of the way!

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for the post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, please consider signing up with your email at the bottom of this page to get regular posts sent right into your inbox. It’s free so come join us! Have a wonderful night and I will see you all back here tomorrow! 🙂

Much love,

~Penny x