60 Days of Little Introspection, Day 19: Why do D/s Relationship Break Up’s Hurt So Much?
Good Afternoon Friends,
Today’s topic is one that many of us are all too familiar with: relationship break up’s. Like many of you out there I have had a D/s relationship break up before and the experience leaves you feeling sad, empty, lonely, and mourning the loss of what once was. In today’s post I want to zero in on why D/s break up’s hurt so deeply, and how you can navigate through a break up in a healthy way. Are you ready? Then, let’s dive in.
I. Allowing yourself to grieve in a healthy way:
I have always been a curious soul. As such I took plenty of psychology courses in college and learned about the six stages of grief. But it wasn’t until I experienced the loss of my previous Dominant that I watched myself go through all of the stages of grief. D/s relationships are different from vanilla relationships in many ways. They are more intense and the connection is based on a lifestyle practice which pushes both the dominant and submissive to become vulnerable, open, and transparent more quickly than the average vanilla relationship timeline. If the Cg/l relationship also includes intercourse then the connection is even deeper and more bonding. This is why when a relationship break up occurs the feelings to both parties can be intensely painful. If you are experiencing a D/s relationship break up I encourage you to allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself compassion to move through every stage of grief. For me, that pattern looked as follows:
Denial: At first I couldn’t believe that the relationship was over. I was so used to hearing from him that the thought of going through the day and not talking was shocking and upsetting to my system. In this stage you’re in a state of feeling numb, confused, and unable to process the loss of the relationship.
Anger: The next stage of grief is anger. It is in this stage that we often ask, “could anything have been done differently to prevent this loss?”. You question why the break up happened. You get angry at the loss of the relationship and all of the time, energy, emotion, etc. that was invested in the other person. It’s normal to feel angry and frustrated for a short time as you begin to comprehend that the relationship is, in fact, over.
Bargaining: During this stage sometimes partners will go to their ex and try to negotiate things to get the relationship back again. “If I change this aspect of myself, will you be with me?” is the sort of conversation that happens at this stage. Sometimes negotiations work and other times they do not. But once the mind moves past the anger in a break up it searches to find hope because you’re mentally clinging to the fond memories of you two together.
Depression: If the negotiations fail to restart the relationship then the mind moves into a period of depression. Though this is difficult to feel it is an important part of grieving. Sorrow allows the mind to admit that the relationship is over. It’s the point where you begin to come to terms with the new-normal. You feel the loss intensely, but in doing so it allows your brain to experience your “singleness” again. You might question why you ever got with the person in the first place. You might wonder if someone else will ever want to be in a Cg/l relationship with you again. These are all normal things to think and feel in this point of grief.
Acceptance: Eventually with a lot of time to heal, grieve, and love yourself the mind moves onto acceptance. You’ve processed that the relationship is in the past and when you think about your ex there are no ill feelings. You can finally begin to look forward to the future without feeling pangs of regret and sorrow for having a relationship break up.
Meaning: The last stage of grief is meaning. By now you’re well beyond the end of the relationship break up and you have had significant time to heal, grieve, and move on. At this point in time you’ve reflected many times over your ex and the past relationship. You can reflect on your and their behavior and what was the likely cause of the deterioration of the relationship. You have found inner peace with the loss being in the past and now when you think of your ex you only wish the best for them in the future.
II. Nurturing the Vulnerable Part of Yourself:
As an adult little, generally speaking, allowing your little side to connect with a Caregiver or Dominant creates a sense of vulnerability. It’s a sacred part of yourself that you choose to share with someone because you feel safe, loved, nurtured, and excited to connect. And so you do. Over time you experience life together. You make memories and laugh together. You regress and allow yourself to play and be small. But then one day the relationship is over and you begin to grieve. Just as you need to nurture your adult mind in that time of grief, so too must you nurture your inner little side. After a Cg/l break up your “little me” will be hurting too. This is completely natural. Depending upon how long you have been together this pain can run deep. Take time to allow your little me to grieve too. You lost your Daddy, Mommy, or Caregiver and that isn’t easy. In a society where it’s difficult to find people in the lifestyle you might be wondering if you’ll ever find another dominant to connect to. But let me put your mind at ease a little bit. Being a little has nothing to do with being in a Cg/l relationship.
You can experience just as much joy, laughter, make happy memories, friendships, etc. as a solo little as you can with having a dominant. As a fellow little I completely understand that it’s awesome to be swaddled, cuddled, and loved on by your dominant. However, I think it’s equally as important to love yourself and your inner little just as much as you would love your partner. That said, in this time of grieving the loss of your D/s relationship take time to love yourself again. Allow your little me to be sad and lean into the community here. Talk to other littles online and feel connected to something bigger than yourself. It will help your mind process the loss more easily and feel less alone.
III. Remaining Optimistic for the Future:
As you find meaning and look back on your previous relationship I promise you that you will begin to see the good in the experience. There was a reason that you connected and came together no matter how long or short the relationship was. There are lessons to be learned from the experience that you can take to move forward in the future. Know that you are worthy of having a healthy, happy, stable Cg/l relationship. You are worthy of being loved, cherished, and treated with the utmost respect by your Dominant. You are deserving of positive, enriching experiences as an adult little and as you begin to move forward I have no doubt they will come to you. There are plenty of lifestyle websites for you to explore to meet, connect with, and enjoy other dominants and littles alike. When you’re ready, move forward, keep your chin up, and know you’re going to be just fine. 🙂
Alright my friends, that’s from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, comment and let me know! I’d love to hear from you. Subscribe to the website to get these posts to your inbox and I will see you back here for the next topic!
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