What to do When Your Dominant F**ks Up

Good Morning Friends,

If I’m being totally honest I wasn’t intending on writing this post today. I had a few more lined up, and we will get there, but I felt my fingers itching to go in this direction so I’m honoring that feeling and here we are. In the world of D/s, dominants are a submissive’s everything. They are our world. We voluntarily yield power to them which is huge. We make ourselves vulnerable and open in all that we do. They see parts of our soul that few people ever see. This is why when our dominant makes a mistake and causes pain it can hurt considerably. Today I want to break down what to do when your dominant makes a mistake. Are you ready? Then, let’s dive in.

I. Behind the Labels We Are All Just People:

I remember when I was 20 years old. I was heavily pregnant, working at a major retail store, and feeling utterly stressed out with my life. I had gone to the HR to discuss taking a leave of absence when my child was born. Sitting in his office, this kind man smiled at me and offered one of the best pieces of advice that I’ve ever received. He said, “if you take away a person’s label, power, status, etc. behind it all… we are simply just people communicating”. The moment was profound. When our dominant messes up and hurts our feelings it’s easy to feel deeply wounded inside. This is especially true for us Littles. As an HSP (highly sensitive person) sometimes I believe that I feel things more than most. But if we can step back from our feelings, and our thoughts, we can see that in that moment when you’re feeling pain it’s because one person made a mistake that you found to be hurtful. Your dominant (and mine) isn’t some almighty force. They are a person with flaws just like you and I. They make mistakes and will continue to do so. The hope is that with each mistake made they will learn a valuable lesson from it.

The bottom line: When your dominant makes a mistake tell yourself it isn’t the end of the world. They are a human who is perfectly imperfect. They will f**k up sometimes and that’s okay. πŸ™‚ Work together to find the lesson in the moment and then strive together to move forward to not repeat the same mistake.

II. Forgiveness is Hard, But Most Good Things Are Difficult:

I’ll let you in on a little secret: I can be really, really blunt. I’ve always been the type of person who doesn’t sugar-coat their feelings. I tell it to you like it is and hope that you can take whatever I say. Am I respectful? Of course. But I don’t mince words and I absolutely don’t lie. That said, I’ll be first to admit that sometimes finding forgiveness to someone can be difficult…. but it’s necessary. Over these past 2 years that I have taken a complete and total break from writing I have learned many life lessons. The greatest of these has been how to forgive in the face of deep pain. Forgiveness is difficult, but holding a grudge isn’t an option if you want to have a healthy relationship. So how do we forgive, my friends? When your dominant messes up, how do you “turn the other cheek” and truly let things go? Here’s what I do these days when the Captain makes a mistake and hurts my feelings.

  • I sit down and talk about it. That’s the very first thing I do. I let it all out. I don’t yell because quite frankly yelling is dumb and it hurts your throat, saps your energy, and makes the other person traumatized. So, I don’t yell. But I do tell him how I feel directly. I focus on how I’m feeling and never imply how he is feeling receiving my words. (This is important!).
  • I take a breath and be 100% silent to listen to how he is feeling. Truthfully, even when I’m hurting or upset I want to hear what he has to say. I want to know his feelings and where he’s coming from because deep down I know there cannot be a resolution until everything is out in the open. So, I listen attentively and even if I disagree with his stance I acknowledge that he is being heard and I validate his feelings as being important to me.
  • I give myself time to “wind down” from a disagreement. It’s okay to admit to your partner that you need time to relax after a disagreement. We aren’t robots. We can’t simply “flip a switch” in our brain and suddenly everything goes back to happy again. Give yourself time to do an activity that you enjoy to gradually bring your emotions back up to your baseline. For me that is watching stand up comedy, writing, or listening to music. I brew a cup of tea, turn on a new comedian, and just laugh.
  • Forgiveness feels good. Learning how to forgive is an important life skill to master. Have you ever met someone who holds grudges? I know a few people in my life who are notorious at holding grudges and they are some lonely, bitter people. You don’t want to be like that and neither do I. When you learn that your Dominant is only human, embrace that they will make mistakes in your relationship, and that you will be tested as a couple, then you can move onto the next step of learning how to forgive. Of course you’ll forgive your dominant. You love them! Of course you’ll forgive them when they make a mistake, because you make mistakes too! Forgiveness feels good to the soul. Never forget that.

III. But What About Those Really Big Mistakes?

I want to wrap this up by touching upon what to do if your Dominant makes a mistake so grievous that you consider breaking ties with the person. There are times when you should leave a relationship. Abuse in any form is a valid reason to leave. If your Dominant is abusing you, honey, you grab your things and step on! You sashay away and keeping looking forward. Been there, done that, trust me. But if your Dominant has made a deep mistake, and yet, you still want to remain together then let me give you a piece of advice from the bottom of my heart: you can make it through together. A very long time ago I asked this couple who had been together for nearly 50 years what was the secret of staying together. The woman smiled at me and said, “we were both too stubborn to quit on each other”. The man silently grinned to himself.

If you want to stay with your Dominant and you’re committed, take that commitment seriously. Dig deeper than you ever have before and work together to smooth out the issues. Establish a new way of doing things to prevent further hurt. Allow yourselves time to work through pain and mistrust. Focus your minds on why you came together as a couple in the first place. I know that in our society we hear so much about when people break up, and hear so little about when a couple fights to overcome an obstacle and stays together, but you really can make things work! I’m cheering you on every step of the way.

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, smash that like button and let me know. Comment and leave me your thoughts. I’d love to hear from you! If you’re new around here hit that follow button to join us around here and I will see you back here for the next topic!

Much love,

~Penny x

8 responses to “What to do When Your Dominant F**ks Up”

  1. Love this. I have to stress all the time that we are not infallible gods to both new Doms and to submissives. We are people too. We will make mistakes. Owning those mistakes, learning from them, learning how to forgive or cut ties when needed, and learning how to live forward either individually or as a couple in D/s will be what defines you.

  2. indeed we are all humans and make mistakes 3 things 1 communicate in a calm manner. 2. forgive and forget. 3. learn from out mistakes
    i think all are easier said then done

  3. Penny, this is such an amazing post and definitely forgiveness is the key and core to getting through the yucky bits. Both Matt and I have been unfaithful in our 14-year relationship, but the core for both of us was not to give up on one another and t rather to look at what, why and how we can overcome that together, as a couple. For Matt, it was a self-esteem thing, for me, I needed more variety, more adventure. The key in both cases was that, with time, we were able to forgive one another, to move past that and find the antidote, be it therapy, an open relationship or something else.

    You’re definitely right about abuse and having just come out of a ten-month abusive relationship I can safely say that there is one key difference – a genuine Dominant who f**ks up still cares, they care enough to get to know what they did wrong and want to make amends. An abuser doesn’t. An abuser sees you s a tool. as a means to an end. An abuser doesn’t care about you, they only care about themselves and feelings better about themselves. When I say to Matt “we have a problem here”, he sits down with me, we talk and he listens. With my ex, that didn’t happen, all that mattered was that his feelings weren’t hurt, and at any cost. He wasn’t secure enough in himself to be anything less than perfect, and so my concerns fell on deaf ears, or worse, validated the criticisms he already knew to be true of himself and so he had to shut them out. We live and learn, I’m glad to be out of that one now. Stay strong and keep smiling Penny!

    • Oh Helen if I was there I’d give you a massive hug! Thank you for sharing such an amazing reply and this part of yourself here. You’re 1000% correct. It boils down to respect, a willingness to learn from our mistakes, and a desire to continually improve as a person. Life can get messy. You and I both know this. <3 But it's also deeply beautiful too. I think it's amazing how you and Matt have navigated the valleys in your 14 years together. It shows your unwavering love for one another and the desire to constantly grow together to last forever. Sending you so much love across the pond, my friend!! x

      • Thank you Penny, you are so right. It would be lovely if we were born perfect but that’s just not how the world works! But what does work? you and I know this one – communication! Sending you big squeezy hugs my friend xx

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