Day 25: Let’s Talk About Discipline and Punishment (Both In Person and Long Distance)
Good Morning Friends!
A very Happy Tuesday to you! Today is Tuesday Tracing Pages, so we have a new free printable in our weekly games section for you to enjoy. Today we are discussing all about discipline and punishment. How do you discipline your Little in a long distance relationship? Is ignoring them the answer? What do you do if your Little has mental health issues? How can you incentivize your little to obey your commands? All of these questions will be tackled in today’s post! Are you ready? Then, let’s dive in!
I. The Goal of Discipline:
When examining discipline in a power exchange relationship it’s important that we “connect the dots” to understand how everything comes together. In a power exchange dynamic there is a Dominant and a submissive (or multiple). There are rules which are agreed upon by all parties involved. If a rule is broken by the submissive then it is the responsibility of the Dominant to use healthy methods of discipline and punishment to correct the submissive’s behavior. There are two parts to correcting a submissive’s behavior: disciplining and punishment. (Then, of course, you want to follow up with your submissive afterwards for feedback to see if they felt that the punishment was effective). It is important the Dominant is in a healthy, calm mindset to discipline their sub. Here is the rule of thumb when it comes to discipline:
- Never discipline from a place of anger. Wait until you feel calm, centered, and have thought through everything prior to punishing your sub.
- Consider your sub’s mental health. Some sub’s respond better to stern lectures and corporal punishment while others prefer a more gentle approach. Use your judgement wisely and move with care.
- If there are mental health issues in your submissive make sure to put those at the forefront of your mind. Never do anything to cause further harm to your submissive.
Now equally as important to the healthy mindset of the Dominant is to understand the purpose of disciplining. Why does a Dominant need to discipline their sub in the first place? Isn’t that a lot of work for the Dom? It is, but it’s also necessary in a power exchange relationship. The focus of your discipline should revolve around these three main goals:
- Goal 1: To help your submissive understand their infraction and why their mistake is not an acceptable form of behavior.
- Goal 2: To motivate your sub to want to correct their behavior and adhere to the rules that you both agreed upon.
- Goal 3: To ensure that your sub does not repeat the same mistake in the future. They will remember their punishment and not want to experience it again.
II. How to Punish Your Little Effectively:
I’ve spoken to many dominants over the years and in doing so it often comes up in conversation that it can be difficult to discipline their submissive. In today’s (vanilla) society, we aren’t naturally trained to punish another person. It can be jarring for a dominant the first time that they have to discipline their sub. But just as a parent lovingly punishes their child (because they want to correct their behavior to help them thrive in the future), so too will you discipline your sub to help them thrive in your relationship as you two continue to grow closer together. There are are 3 character qualities you want to adopt when disciplining your sub, whether you use some form of corporal punishment or a more gentle approach:
- Kindness: Can you tell your Little in a kind way that they are going to be spanked for their infraction? Yes. Can you be kind as you put your Little in time out? Yes. Can you be kind while still being stern? Absolutely! At the core of your domination should be kindness. Where there is kindness there is love. And every healthy dominant wants their Little to obey their commands. They want them to complete their tasks or to perform service in the way they assign. They want their little to surrender power from a place of peace and a desire to serve. In short, you can be both kind and authoritative.
- Patience: Many Littles will test your patience limits. This will happen more so if your Little is also a brat. As you train your Little and help guide them you will need to have a lot of patience. Your Little needs to see that you have complete control over your temper. They need to look up to you as a role model in how to control your emotions (even if they are struggling to control their own). You will need to be patient as you punish your sub and move through the process to keep them focused on the punishment, and then re-center their emotions to let them know that they are still loved by you despite getting punished.
- Respect: Your submissive is looking for you to be stable, confident, and protective. They are looking for you to always be honest and forthcoming with them. As the dominant it is up to you to be consistent and reliable so that your actions breed respect from your sub. Always keep your word with them. Never, ever ignore your sub as a form of punishment. (Communication is the basis of every healthy relationship and as such, you don’t want to harm the open dialogue between you two as a form of punishment). Lastly, follow the “golden rule”. Treat your submissive with the utmost respect and they should treat you in the same way!
III. How to Get Creative With Punishments:
Okay, now that we understand the mentality behind disciplining it’s time to punish your sub. But how do you do that? How do you choose a healthy, effective punishment? The rule of thumb is: the punishment should correlate to the infraction. For example: if your Little was supposed to drink 6 glasses of water per day and they didn’t, an effective punishment could be that they take short video clips and send them to you throughout the next day as they drink each glass of water. It’s effective in helping them reach their goal. It holds them accountable. The power exchange is kept intact, and the discipline comes from a place of kindness, respect, and patience.
🛑CAUTION PLEASE READ:🛑
As with everything in the BDSM lifestyle, consent is everything! The punishments you use must be agreed upon between you and your submissive ahead of time. You need to understand if there is trauma that your sub has experienced in the past, so that way you never enforce a punishment that is triggering or harmful to them. A great way to discuss, agree, and consent upon punishment methods is to utilize a relationship contract! (We have a free template created for Cg/l couples right here on the site! 😄).
If you are a couple that utilizes corporal punishments here are a few tips:
- If your Little is a masochist, and you want to use OTK (over the knee) spankings as a form of punishment, you will need to keep in mind that this might not be the most effective method. Your Little likes pain and you don’t want to muddle the S&M part of your relationship with punishment. Instead, you can try orgasm denial. You can also use plugs, clamps, etc. as a form of punishment (so long as it’s not a limit and there is consent beforehand) as a means of effective behavioral correction.
- Make sure to re-center your sub’s emotions after a punishment. Many submissives yearn to please their Dominant and receiving a punishment can feel emotionally devastating. It’s your job as the Dom to ensure your sub that you still love and care for them deeply. Provide plenty of aftercare to give them the emotional pick-me-up that they need.
If you are a couple that prefers a more gentle form of punishment, here is a list of alternative, creative solutions:
- Empathetic listening: Sometimes your Little just needs you to stop, and take a moment to listen to their feelings. By listening empathetically, and with an open mind, you’re demonstrating that although they have acted out, you are more focused on their emotional well being rather than giving them a punishment.
- Draw your feelings: If your Little is struggling to verbalize their thoughts, consider having them draw out their emotions. Crayons and blank paper can do wonders to allow your Little to express their feelings.
- I’m sorry note: Have your Little write a letter of apology for breaking a rule, or speaking mean words towards you. This will help them reflect on their behavior.
- The Thought Spot: Instead of calling a corner “time out”, consider using the words “thought spot”. Create a nook in your living area that will allow your Little to sit quietly and take time to think about their emotions and behavior.
- Do 5 minutes of deep breathing: The breath is the first thing to go when your Little is feeling anxious and stressed. Often times their breathing will become short (hyperventilating) or they may even hold their breath without knowing it. Making your Little stop, take 5 minutes of calm, slow, deep breathing will help their body to calm down, and allow them to verbalize their feelings in a peaceful way.
☎️ How to Punish as a Long Distance Couple: ☎️
Dominants can feel like their hands “are tied” when trying to discipline from afar, and this is understandable. When you’re in an L.D.R. it’s important that both parties work hard to minimize the need for too many punishments. Communication is key to making everything work. You can have a healthy, successful long distance D/s relationship! When you need to discipline your sub consider the following:
- Utilize video chat if possible. This is the closest thing you can do to be “in the room” together while the punishment is being performed. As the Dom you can also monitor your sub to make sure that they complete their punishment and then provide gentle aftercare.
- Video clips and texts are also great! Have your sub submit “proof” that their punishment completed. This can be taking a picture of an apology note, or reading it out loud on a video clip to you. They can take a photo of the journal page of their feelings, or make a video clip of their reflections (like a video diary) while they are in The Thought Spot.
- Praise them when the punishment has been completed. Give them lots of love and support. This will be critical since you don’t have the ability to physically touch. Consider also getting special tools designed specifically for long distance couples that give affection and reassurance over the distance. Use them often!
IV. How to Incentivize Your Little to Obey:
I want to wrap up this post by touching upon how to motivate your Little to want to follow your commands. There is a difference between bratting (which we will cover in another post), and misbehavior. There is a difference between accidentally breaking a rule and intentionally ignoring your Dominant’s request. As the Dom you will need to use your best judgment to understand what the situation is with your sub. That said, it’s important that you assess why the infraction happened.
- Explain to your sub why you gave them the rule or task in the first place. Your sub needs to understand why you have their best intentions at heart. This will ease the pain of accepting their discipline and punishment.
- Encourage them to do better next time. Your sub needs to know that you believe that they are a good sub. So, tell them! Tell them that this one infraction does not define their service and submission to you. Encourage them to do better next time and remind them that they are loved and are under your protection.
- If your sub’s love language is receiving gifts, you might want to utilize a sticker chart or some other means of progress tracking to motivate them to correct their behavior to get a reward from you. (Note: If you don’t know you or your sub’s love language, I highly encourage that you take this FREE quiz from Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages” site and find out! This will help you to better understand how you and your sub give and receive love).
Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it! If you did, hit that like button and let me know! Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here for the next topic!