Submission 102: Learning to Communicate with Your Dom When You’re Angry

Good Evening Friends!

After shopping all day my feet are crying with sweet relief as I sit here curled up in bed with the laptop on my lap. Tonight I want to discuss how to communicate with your Dom when you’re angry, because even the most obedient subs lose their temper every now and then. No one is perfect and we are all learning, growing, and evolving. Anger in itself isn’t bad. What we do with our anger is what makes all the difference in the world. Are you ready to jump into this topic with me? Then, let’s dive in.

I. Anger is an Emotion, Not an Action:

When you are having a moment of anger, frustration, or any other emotion it’s important to know that your feelings are valid. There is a reason why you’re feeling upset. There is something that triggered you into feeling the way you are. Though we can feel guilty for getting upset at our Dominant, remember that you are are only human. Your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel angry. How you go about working through your emotions (in a healthy way) is what will determine how the situation changes. Your actions matter.

I’ve noticed over the years that with new subs often times as they enter the lifestyle they become “frantic” to learn everything they can about being a submissive and having a Dominant. In the lifestyle we call this period being in a state of “sub frenzy”.

Sub Frenzy: What a submissive, usually new to BDSM, often experiences. It is a feeling of excitement in discovering the world of BDSM, leading them to want more and more and more, NOW! It can cause the submissive to make bad decisions about who to who to play with, often resulting in serious harm.

(Source)

Like a kid in a candy store filled with whips, floggers, and spreader bars, they want to try everything… experience everything…. and jump in with two feet first. But they also don’t have the knowledge or experience to discern who is a genuine Dominant worthy of playing with, and who is a wannabe Dom who will only do them harm. I’ve met many young subs who get their hearts broken in one way or another by a person acting like a Dom, who treated them like a doormat, and then broke things off when the person didn’t do exactly as they say. Sub frenzy can lead to devastating consequences, so to anyone new in the lifestyle: please slow down and take your time! Vet any potential partners and get to know them extensively before you open yourself up to being vulnerable. This lifestyle is all about putting safety and consent first! If you’re feeling angry because your Dom is treating you in an awful way— you don’t have to put up with it! If you feel scared, uncomfortable, or upset… talk to them immediately. Speak up for yourself and try to negotiate things so that you both are heard and your limits are respected.

If you are Little, (like me!), make sure that if you are angry with your Dominant that you don’t regress while feeling upset. Your Dominant needs to be able to understand why you are angry. Instead, take a breath and center yourself. Think about what the underlying reason is for you feeling angry. Then, once you’re feeling calm and level-headed sit down and have a healthy conversation with your partner.

In our lifestyle we advocate for safewords for everyone. Just as submissives have safewords, Dominants can have them too! I would also encourage every D/s couple to think about creating a safeword for their communication. If you have a safeword that means, “hang on, let’s pause and take a breath. I’m feeling overwhelmed right now”, when a conversation becomes heated, you can use your word and stop things before tempers rise too much. You or your partner can use this safeword to reel in a heavy conversation and bring things back to a healthy place of calm and safe dialogue.

II. Never Use Communication as a Weapon:

I’ve met Dominants over the years (usually in a long distance D/s relationships) who have struggled with their bratty submissive and have asked me if they should “punish” their submissive, who wasn’t doing their task, by ignoring them until they followed through. The answer I always gave is: NO! No… no…. no! Using communication as a way to punish your submissive is never healthy. Communication is the foundation of every relationship and D/s relationships become more raw, vulnerable, and open (usually) on a much quicker basis than vanilla relationships. As such, you need to always be communicating as a couple regardless if you’re long distance or not. Never threaten to take away communication from your partner.

The Gottman Institute published a theory called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (of relationships) years ago, that has proven that there are 4 main behavioral patterns that if couples do these it can lead to the demise of their relationship (aka the Apocalypse). “Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute created The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a metaphor referencing the end of the New Testament, used to help you recognize and navigate 4 pitfalls of combative conversations. Instead of having destructive arguments, they aim to help you develop constructive communication patterns.” (Source) We can learn about these 4 pitfalls as D/s couples, and use this wisdom to strengthen our own communication in our relationships. So, let’s take a look at the 4 destructive patterns of communication and how to avoid them.

It’s important to understand that when you and your partner are having a disagreement, and you end up yelling at each other, that level of confrontation can trigger the fight, flight, or freeze response in the brain. Our brain perceives that yelling as a threat and involuntarily reacts to the negative stimuli with a fight (attack/react), flight (run away), or freeze (panic and shut down) response. Instead of yelling when you feel angry at your Dominant, take a pause and cool down. Wait until you are calm before engaging in conversation. This will help to keep the situation stable and everyone able to communicate in a healthy manner. If you are long distance, don’t hang up the phone if you get into a heated argument. Try to keep your voice level and calm as you diffuse the situation. If your Dominant is losing their temper in an abusive and unhealthy way, calmly state that you are going to step back from the conversation but would like to resolve things when they can calm down. Then quietly hang up the phone.

III. Healthy Alternatives for Conflict Resolution:

I want to wrap up this post by giving alternatives to resolving conflict as a couple. Not everyone handles conflict resolution the same way. We all need options and choices that work best with our personalities. Therefore, here are a few alternative methods that might help you the next time you’re feeling upset or angry:

  • The Talking Stick: In Native American cultures there is a legend called “The Talking Stick” that was commonly used on sacred tribal councils. At these council meetings a stick was passed from person to person, and only the person holding the stick could speak. This allowed everyone to have a fair chance to speak their thoughts openly. This method can also be used with you and your partner. Decorate a stick with yarn, ribbon, etc. and then pass it back and forth as you sort out a disagreement. Only the person with the stick can speak at a time. This will give you both the chance to fully express your thoughts and feelings as you resolve your conflict.
  • The Dammit Doll: This rag doll is perfect for Littles who have a temper. Made with colorful fabric (and sold on Amazon) this dammit doll is the perfect item to whack against a pillow, the floor, or any other safe surface area to get out aggression and frustration without hurting anyone! It even comes with this cute poem sewn on the tummy:
  • Anger Management Thumball (on Amazon): This soft ball can be tossed back and forth. As you catch the ball you must answer the question that lands in your hands. Each question is designed to help work through anger management. This is another great tool to use in Cg/l relationships.
  • Penguin Beadeez (on Amazon): This fidget toy is excellent for people who are working through stress and anxiety. If you or your partner struggle to cope with stress and frustration try using a fidget toy while you are communicating. Sometimes simply having something to squeeze will help channel your stress into the item and allow your mind to clear so you can articulate your thoughts.
  • Hand2Mind “See My Feelings” Mirror: This item is SO adorable to me! While it was designed with young children in mind, Littles can also benefit from this product. If your Little often gets upset in Little Space and they become more non-verbal, this item might benefit to begin helping you both communicate. With this item your Little can put the picture of the emotion-face into the mirror to show you how they are feeling without verbalizing the words. It’s an excellent way to help your regressed Little begin to sort through their emotions while moving slowly at their pace.
  • Happybuy Inflatable Bumper Balls: If your Little is the more “rough and tumble” type, and likes to get out energy this item will help them with conflict resolution…. without any bumps or bruises. 😉 These giant, inflatable balls are suits that can be pulled on to secure around the whole body. Then you and your Little can “bump” and tumble around until you fall over giggling and the conflict has dissolved completely!
  • Singing Bowl: The last item I have to share is a singing bowl. Commonly used in meditation this item is excellent for resolving conflict by striking the bowl and both partners have to pause and listen to the sound. Take turns to speak and discuss your opinion. Then strike the singing bowl and wait until the sound has finished before the other person has their turn. This will create natural pause and time for reflection as the singing bowl is ringing.

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here for the next topic!

Much love,

~Penny x

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