Submission 103: What to Do When Your Partner is a “Passive Dom”

Good Morning Friends!

Welcome to the Submission 103 series! In this 10-part series we are diving into the more advanced topics regarding power exchange relationships. We are unpacking those tough topics that people might feel uncomfortable about. We are diving into relationship topics that most people raise an eyebrow at. Why? Because life can be messy. Relationships can be messy. No one comes into the D/s lifestyle and just “automatically knows” what to do to be a Dominant or submissive. No, they have to take much time to train, learn, grow, meet others in the lifestyle, explore, and figure out their position. Power exchange is a complicated dynamic to be in, but one that is deeply fulfilling. In this 10-part series it is my goal to help give you more tools, tips, and advice to further your confidence and knowledge that you can succeed with your partner in a D/s relationship.

In today’s post we are going to focus on partners who are passive or “lazy”. In truth I don’t like using the word lazy because it has such a negative connotation. If you’re in a relationship where you’re the sub and you want so desperately for your partner to be your Dom, but something isn’t quite “clicking”, this post is for you. If you’re in a relationship where your partner says they are interested in being your Dom, but they aren’t taking any steps to do something to demonstrate their ability to lead you, this post is for you. If you are with a partner and have been vanilla for a long time and now you want to be D/s, but your partner is reluctant on how to be a Dominant, this post is for you. Today I’m here to tell you that your frustrations are valid. Your need to submit to a dominant is understandable, and wanting your partner to be your Dominant is even more understandable. But before you get exasperated and go searching for a new Dom outside of your partner I encourage you examine and try the following steps below. Are you ready to learn with me? Then, let’s dive in.

I. Work Within Their Comfort Zone:

If you stop and think about it being a Dominant is hard work. They have a tremendous amount of responsibility and must be able to be stable, grounded, and responsible in their own life while also prioritizing and leading you as their submissive. That’s difficult! No Dominant wakes up one day with a brain full of knowledge and knows exactly how to lead a sub. For most Doms it’s a steep learning curve of trial and error. They educate themselves and research the lifestyle. They connect with other Dominants and ask questions to gain further insight. They try tactics and methods to see what works and what doesn’t. It’s an ongoing process of evolution, and so as your partner’s submissive I encourage you to remember to be patient with your partner. Your Dom will respond well if you work within their comfort zone. If your partner is completely new to the lifestyle I suggest beginning with the basics of caregiving first. You don’t need to worry about power exchange from day one. Instead, focus on how your partner can care for you.

🚨Be clear about your intentions in wanting them to be your Caregiver and for you to be their adult little. But also be understanding and compassionate if they are hesitant, nervous, or unsure if they are capable to fulfill the role. Becoming a Caregiver or Dominant can feel very daunting for many people. Move forward slowly and always meet your partner with love and understanding. 🚨

It’s natural (in a romantic relationship) for there to be some primary level of caregiving. You nurse your partner back to health when they get sick. You tidy up your living quarters to make everyone feel comfortable and at ease. You communicate regularly to keep your relationship strong. The foundational aspects of a Cg/l relationship already dwell within you and your partner. Now it’s time to focus on building upon those skills to shift into a Caregiver/little dynamic.

🚫 Avoid the pitfall of assuming that a Caregiver/little relationship means that as the little you never have to do anything to help your Caregiver. 🚫

If you want your partner to become your Caregiver you’re going to have to show them that they already possess the skills to do so. It will mean being an active player in your dynamic, and quite frankly, that’s how it should be. Being a little in a Cg/l relationship doesn’t mean you get pampered all the time. It means giving just as much as you receive from your partner. Ask them politely to cut up your food before you eat together. Get a pretty cup to drink out of and then ask them if they can put your beverage in that special cup. Pick out some cute clothing that makes you feel small and tiny. Ask for their opinion and shop together if possible. As your partner is easing into a Caregiving role, give back and make their life easier. Do small acts of kindness to ease the tasks throughout their day. Lay out their clothing for work. Send them a loving text each morning. Keep reminders in a journal or online calendar to ease their mind. Begin to use the natural flow of giving unto one another in your relationship as the basis for your Caregiver/little dynamic.

Another way to work within their comfort zone is to weave in “subtley little” activities that feel familiar to your partner… but they have a little-twist on them. For example, the Captain and I love to watch movies together. When we were first getting into the lifestyle I suggested one night that instead of watching an action movie we should watch an animated movie. He was totally game. We watched “Wall-E” together and just as I was swooning over Wall-E and Eve… he was too! It was a beautiful bonding moment. Think about what activities you already love to do with your partner. Then, get creative and think about small ways you can weave your little space into the activity. Then, test it out on your partner. If one activity flops and doesn’t resonate with them don’t lose hope.

💪If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again! – William Edward Hickson💪

II. Focus On Their Strengths First:

Your partner already has many wonderful attributes and personality characteristics about them. As you’re helping your partner find the Caregiver within them point out the strengths they already possess that align with being a Caregiver. Empower your partner to make small decisions that lean into things that a Caregiver can do. Some small decisions might include:

  • Deciding the weekly menu for your household
  • Choosing what you should wear between two outfit options
  • Taking a shower together and using fun bath products to wash you up. (And you wash them up too!)
  • Have them choose what movie to watch together or to choose the spot for your weekly date

If you are in a long distance relationship with your partner some small decisions might include:

  • Have them decide when you should “check in” with them throughout the day
  • Have your partner choose a secondary form of communication for you to connect with them. (Write an email love letter, take fun Instagram pics, etc.)
  • Have them decide on a date and time that you two can go on walk together (while talking on the phone or being on video chat).
  • Text them pictures of two outfits and have your partner decide what you should wear for the day. (Send them a picture of you in the outfit once they decide).

Be consistent and make it a regular ritual in your relationship. Always remember that you are embracing the vision of who they are as your Caregiver. They don’t need to change dramatically or stop enjoying the hobbies that they like the pursue. You’re simply weaving in another layer of intimacy and connection into your relationship as you transition slowly towards Caregiver/little.

As you work with your partner and they begin making small decisions for your relationship keep your requests reasonable. If you try to ask your partner (especially if they have been vanilla and are completely new to the lifestyle) to make 20 small decisions a day, because you want to “dive into” a Cg/l relationship, your partner will feel overwhelmed fast. Take a breath and know that as they feel comfortable making a few, simple decisions, down the road they might be open to making more. For now stick with the basics and limit yourself to 3-5 per day. Give them plenty of praise, thanks, and positive reinforcement when they do step up.

III. Continue Your Own Education and Growth But Share Your Knowledge Too:

I want to wrap up this post by encouraging you to continue learning on your own as you’re helping your partner discover their inner Caregiver. You, as a little and/or submissive will also need to continue to grow, explore, learn, and evolve. As such, I wanted to share with you some of my favorite resources that might help you too. They are as follows:

✏️My Favorite Blogs That I Love to Read: ✏️

💟Little Space YouTubers I Enjoy: 💟

📚BDSM Books Worth Reading: 📚

  • Submissive’s Guide to BDSM Vol. 1 By: Matthew Larocco
  • BDSM Mastery- Basics By: Robert J. Rubel, Ph.D and M.Jen Fairfield
  • Exploring BDSM By: Morgan Thorne
  • BDSM Relationships: How They Work By: Peter Masters
  • The New Bottoming Book By: Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy
  • The Big Book for Littles: Tips & Tricks for Age Players and Their Partners By: Penny Barber and Mako Allen

As you gain knowledge and wisdom, share it with your partner. Allow them to come into your journey as you evolve as a submissive. Make it a couples experience to learn together. When the Captain and I got into the lifestyle I actually got into it first. While he wanted to be my Dominant he was hesitant on where to begin. So, I began sharing all of the things I was learning and that drew him into the process too. Learning together is a wonderful experience to share as a couple. Discuss what you’ve learned and figure out what works for you and what you don’t want to incorporate. Ultimately this is your journey as a couple and your D/s relationship to navigate. You can do this! I believe in you!

Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here for the next topic!

Much love,

~Penny x

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