Submission 103: How to Put More Protocol into Your Dom/little Relationship
Good Afternoon Friends!
We’ve made it to the end of another week. Happy Friday!! I hope you’re ready for a weekend of rest and relaxation. Just a quick reminder that tomorrow we will be going on another Little Space Virtual Field Trip to…. Walt Disney World! If you missed any of the previous field trips please head on over to the website section to pick up your printable and follow along in the corresponding post. We have been to the the Cabbage Patch Babyland General Hospital, the Georgia Aquarium, and the Edinburgh Zoo! Now we are off to Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida and it is going to be a BLAST! So, stay tuned for that field trip bright and early tomorrow morning!
Today I’d like to shift gears a bit and turn our attention towards protocol and how you can weave more protocol into your Dom/little relationship. In the world of Domination and submission we hear the world protocol often. This is especially true among other power exchange dynamics such as: Master/slave, Taken in Hand, Owner/property, and so on. However, in the little space community the word protocol comes up far less often. Why? I have no idea. But, today I’d like to show you how you can bring in more protocol elements to your relationship while still enjoying little space with your partner. But first, what is protocol and what is the purpose?
Protocol can best be described as etiquette. It is a set of rules that dictates how you carry yourself, the manner of speech that is used, and how you interact with others.
The purpose of implementing protocol into your relationship: is to help your submissive understand what is expected of them, and for you (as the Dominant) to be able to focus your mind on how you’d like things to be done. It allows for you and your partner to remain anchored to your D/s relationship while moving through the “mundane, vanilla” parts of life.
🚨Avoid This Pitfall: If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years (with the Captain) it’s that it is easy to get so swept up in day to day life that you forget to make time to “be” D/s. You can avoid this common problem among lifestyle couples by weaving more protocol into your day to day life that consistently pulls you both back into your Dominant and submissive headspaces. 🚨
Are you ready to learn how to bring more protocol into your relationship? Then, let’s dive in!
I. Developing Language Protocols for Your Relationship:
When picking and choosing what protocols to weave into your relationship, a great place to begin is to understand the fundamental principles of protocol. They are as follows:
- and Honesty
These character principles will guide you into every rule you make. One of the easiest protocols to add into your relationship are language protocols. As communication is the basis of all relationships implementing rules for manners can be very helpful for you and your Little. I encourage you to consider the following protocols and see if they can be a benefit for you and your partner. Choose which ones you’d like to adopt into your relationship and discard the rest.
- Use basic manners. This includes: please, thank you, excuse me, pardon me, apologizing appropriately, etc.
- Refraining from curse words.
- Have a title for indoors and in public. It’s a good idea to have a set of titles to use when you’re out of the home. (For example: at home I am Kitten; in public I am baby. The Captain at home is Nani; in public is Honey or Love). It’s a good idea to have titles in public that never make vanilla people feel uncomfortable if/should they not wish to see our lifestyle.
- Keep a pleasant tone. The tone that you and your partner use with each other, matters. The intonation or inflection you use when speaking to your submissive (or how they speak with you) is also a great protocol to establish in your relationship. By having your little keep a soft tone or a gentle, happy tone they can stay anchored to their submission even if they are asking an ordinary question to you.
- Refrain from having private cell phone calls while waiting in line at a public place or while walking down the street. This rule is great to implement so that you don’t disturb other people. Remember, your submissive is a reflection of you (the Dominant) and so keeping proper etiquette is not only a sign of respect to your relationship, but it’s also respectful to those around you.
- Be a good conversationalist. Another rule you can establish with your submissive is to develop quality conversation etiquette. I suggest the following forms of protocol when having a conversation as Dom/little:
- Think before you speak
- Be an attentive listener and actively listen without thinking about what you want to say next
- Make eye contact (whether in person or on video chat) to acknowledge to your Dom that you are paying attention
- Ask questions to further understand points your partner is making, or if you feel curious to know more. By asking questions this also denotes that you are paying attention and care about the conversation.
- Don’t interrupt your partner. It is important that your partner feels heard, validated, and is able to articulate their thoughts without being interrupted.
- Watch your hand gestures. Some people can misconstrue pointing or using too many hand gestures as a sign of rudeness or to be distracting from what you are trying to say. Teaching your sub to speak calmly without too many hand gestures will help them thrive in coming across as eloquent and poised.
II. Behavior Protocols For In and Out of the House:
When we think about protocols (in the world of BDSM) many of us will think about the nadu position commonly seen in the M/s lifestyle as well as the Gorean subculture. It looks as follows:
However, in the Dom/little lifestyle it isn’t necessary to use high protocol positions and stances. If you are interested in other formal positions in the Leather Community (walking slightly behind the Master, standing at attention properly, etc.) please see this reference. And if you are curious about formal positions that Goreans use this is an excellent YouTube video showing each position by name. Getting back to our little space community, there isn’t a certain “traditional” form of protocol mandating how a Little should behave at home and in public, so it will be up to you (as the Dominant) to determine what is the best protocol to implement into your relationship. Here are some suggestions for inspiration to consider:
- Provide domestic service according to your Dom’s liking. This can range from the weekly menu in the home to the scent of cleaning products used, to the ambiance you set each night to wind down from the day. Discuss what your little can do to help you feel more comfortable, served, and supported. Then, make a list and negotiate everything together so that you both feel prepared and on the same page.
- When sitting down for a meal wait until your Dominant has taken the first bite of food on their plate. Then quietly they can gesture or audibly tell you that you may begin your meal.
- When out at a restaurant have your little pause for a moment before they sit down at the table to allow you (the Dom) to sit down first.
- Create a ritual to do consistently prior to you both heading off to work. That might mean pausing for 2 minutes to embrace, give each other a tender kiss, and telling your Little just how much you love them. Maintain this ritual daily regardless of how chaotic life might be.
- If you are in a long distance relationship establish a protocol that your Little must be on time for all calls, and/or to return your text messages in a timely fashion.
- Similarly, if you are in a long distance relationship establish a rule that your little will be present for weekly little space play sessions with you via video chat.
- When walking down the street together in public establish a protocol that your Little is to hold your hand, or link arms, and walk on your inside away from the street so you (the Dom) can protect them from cars.
- Create a protocol to have your Little pause at a door so that you can open it for them, and they should softly thank you in return. If someone cuts in behind them leaving the Dom outside holding the door, your Little should step inside the building, pause to wait for you, and then accompany you inside once you’ve come through the door.
III. Hygiene, Presentation, and Mannerism Protocols:
It is important that you always push your Little to maintain top-notch self-care. This can be difficult if your Little struggles with any physical disability or mental illness. So, please be compassionate and understanding as you two negotiate a reasonable level of personal care protocols. You never want to set your Little up to fail. Work within their true limits. That said, here are some protocol suggestions for hygiene, presentation, and mannerisms:
- Create a protocol for your Little to be hydrated, clean, and put together in clean clothing on a regular basis. (Note: How they dress and the type of clothing that you two prefer should always be honored. Wear clothing that feels good for you!).
- Your Little should have an established morning and evening routine to adhere to that allows them to maintain personal hygiene and get a proper night’s rest. (Note: You can easily weave little space into your hygiene routine by using fun bath and body products. Take advantage of this opportunity to help your Little feel small while still getting clean!).
- Your Little will turn off all devices one hour prior to sleeping to allow their mind to rest. In doing so they will be able to fall into sleep without distractions.
- If you’re in a long distance relationship, create a ritual to send each other a sweet text before falling asleep. This will strengthen your connection as D/s on a daily basis. Be sure to use those special titles that you’ve given each other!
- When hosting friends/family over at your home, have your Little shift from their regressed state to their adult-submissive mindset by setting dinnerware for the meal. Create a protocol for them to learn: how to receive guests properly, how to set a formal dinner table, how to set up a buffet table, etc.
I’d like to take just a moment to pause here and discuss how you (the Dominant) can help your Little during their monthly menstrual cycle. Many women struggle with very uncomfortable symptoms during their period. It’s important that as a Dominant you are aware of this, and adapt to their needs. As such, create protocols that allow leeway for your Little when they are feeling bloated, crampy, and crummy. Similarly, if your Little likes to wear diapers you can suggest to create a hygiene/diapering routine for you both to enjoy. While they are bleeding, tenderly wipe down their princess parts (from front to back to avoid bacterial infections) with a diaper wipe. Many Littles and women in general feel shame surrounding their period. One of the best things you can do for your partner is to destigmatize their period. It’s a natural part of a woman’s life to bleed on a monthly basis. It’s just blood! Love, support, and help them to stay and feel clean during their monthly cycle. This can be an amazing bonding experience for you both as Dominant and little.
IV. Disagreements and Resolutions:
I want to wrap up this post (and yes, it was a lengthy one I know!), by touching upon protocols that you can implement when having a disagreement or resolution. Now, I have written about discipline and punishment (both with in person relationships and long distance relationships) so if you are curious about how and why we discipline in D/s relationships, I encourage you to go give that post a read. In this post I’d like to focus on various types of punishments. There are several major types of punishments including:
- Creative/ Non-Corporal Punishments
- Sexual Punishments
- Humiliation Punishments
- Corporal/Painful Punishments
- Verbal Punishments
🚨Always make sure to negotiate ALL forms of punishment and discipline with your little-submissive prior to ever implementing them in your relationship. Make sure you both consent on everything ahead of time! 🚨
True punishment and discipline is not enjoyable for a Dominant. However, there is a deeper purpose to discipline and punishment which is why it is a part of power exchange relationships. When a submissive breaks a rule or acts in a way that breaches trust (lying, undermining authority, etc.) correction of the behavior must happen on the spot. The rules that you establish in your relationship and the protocols you put in place are there for a reason. Just as you (the Dominant) must take caution, care, and understanding to implement rules that uplift, support, guide, and nurture your submissive to help them be the best they can be, so too will your little-submissive need to have respect, consideration, focus, mindfulness, and honesty when adhering to your rules and the protocol that is expected from them. That said, here is a list of punishment methods that you can discuss with your partner to see what works for you both:
- Kneel on rice (painful punishment)
- Orgasm denial (sexual punishment)
- Be used as a human footstool (humiliation punishment)
- Write a letter of apology (creative punishment)
- Sit in the “Thought Spot” (a special floor mat or the corner) and have them reflect on their actions (creative punishment)
- Send them to bed early (creative punishment)
- Verbal reprimanding (Note: please use extreme caution when reprimanding a Little as this might trigger anxiety. Keep your tone calm but firm. State clearly their infraction and your disappointment. Reinforce that you love them as your sub but their behavior was unacceptable and therefore they need to correct their actions immediately. Never discipline when you’re angry).
Alright my friends, that’s it from me for this post. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, hit that like button and let me know. Smash that follow button if you’re new around here, and I will see you back here for the next topic!
3 thoughts on “Submission 103: How to Put More Protocol into Your Dom/little Relationship”
Loved reading this piece on protocols, Penny!
Awww thank you, Nora! 🙂 Big hugs to you and I hope you have a lovely weekend, my friend! x
I have a draft saved on this very topic! I feel like protocol comes up less in DDlg, because most people that are finding their way to it are completely new to the lifestyle. They’re drawn to the cutesy/kawaii type things and forget that DDlg is a BDSM lifestyle dynamic. Not that there’s anything wrong with the cutesy/kawaii stuff, of course, but people are still dipping their toes in.
I loved this post. Thank you, Penny.