Yesterday I sat there in the funeral home making decision after decision. The funeral director was a lovely, young woman who took her time patiently to explain every step. My mom, dad, and daughter sat at the conference table with me as I slowly made each decision. With my deepest love, there was a lot to consider. I drank 2 bottles of water throughout the process to try and replenish the tears I shed.
Yes, Daddy is going to be cremated.
Yes, I need a ship from our local harbor to take me out a mile to spread his ashes at sea.
Yes, 1/13th of his ashes will need to go into a TSA approved urn to return home with his mother to the Philippines.
On and on the decisions came. I could feel Daddy standing right between kiddo and I. He was always my shield, my rock, and the head of our household. I know it must have been hard for him to watch me have to make all of the decisions now and to bear such weight.
I’m trying, baby…. I’m really trying. Many times I feel like kiddo and I are a life raft in the middle of an ocean of tragedy and darkness.
We talk to you regularly, Dada. We have to. And we feel you. We feel you reaching across the veil to talk back, soothe us, comfort us, and watch over us. It helps tremendously.
Today I am going to your workplace to turn in your work laptop and phone, clean out your desk, and meet with HR to do a bunch of paperwork. This is going to be super hard. Everyone loves you so much at work. We are a small school district where everyone knows everyone, and you… my amazing Daddy, husband, love of my life and man of my dreams, is loved by countless people.
So, be with me today. Be with me as I walk and go through the very place where you built your career. Be with me as I sit at the place where you were the sole breadwinner of our home. Be with me as I hug your co-workers and touch your belongings.
I know you’ll be with me.
Thank you all for your love and support in the comments. Daddy, kiddo, and I appreciate it immensely. It helps soothe such a horrific pain like this.
Until next time.