Day 4: Waves of Depression
I miss you, Bae.
I need you like my lungs need oxygen. I have no idea how to do this life without you.
Yesterday I went to your workplace and spoke to your IT department in private. The guys were so somber. Some of them were crying. One even found a video clip and saved it to a USB drive for me. Everyone is destroyed. I cleaned out your desk and my heart exploded in my chest again. I filled out a bunch more paperwork to ensure that kiddo and I will be financially okay (enough) to begin anew again. I felt sick to my stomach. Each time I do something like that it makes your physical passing that much more…. real.
Last night I tossed and turned all night. I feel you whispering in the deepest recesses of my gut. When my mind is clear and calm, or when I’m utterly exhausted and too tired to think…. I hear you. Faint whisperings from The Beyond, reminding me that you’re right here with us. You’ll always be here with us. I let out a heavy sigh.
“Lord I thank you” I said aloud as I lifted my hands in complete surrender, “you are a wonderful, merciful Savior, and I know this because even when my life has exploded and my soulmate now rests with You…. You allow him to speak to us because you know we need it so. Please protect and nurture my deepest love, my soulmate, the absolute love of my life, and Lord… I beg with every fiber of my being, please allow my soul to join his for all eternity when it is my time to pass. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”.
I felt comforted.
As the sun began to rise today I felt so…. depressed. His physical form is gone. Kiddo and I choose to never say that Daddy is <insert the D word> because we have heard vehemently from The Captain himself, that he is not that! His physical form is gone, yes, but his soul…. the very essence of who he is… is very much alive. And I am eternally grateful to feel my love, be able to speak to my love, and to ever so slowly process through the intense waves of grief and sorrow.
But the underlying depression is very, very hard. My viewpoints on life have completely shifted. This time last week my life was normal. We were our little trio against the world! We had goals, dreams, plans, and life was great! We didn’t have a lot of money, but gosh did we burst with love from every area of our home. Now, things feel so empty. Kiddo and I are so quiet these days. We hold each other. Process together daily, and it helps a lot. But as a wife, there is a part of me that screams in agony: “I don’t want to wait 50 or 60 years to join my husband! I don’t want to live that long without him!”. Yes, I want my daughter to grow, thrive, and have her own family one day. Yes, I want to walk her down the aisle with Daddy right there too. Yes, I want to watch her become a mother one day too, and meet my grandbabies (if she wants to have children). But…. and perhaps it’s selfish, I dunno, my soul was meant to be intertwined with Daddy. Right now, we are both grieving because it’s like two halves ripped apart.
I know he is at peace, but also missing us terribly. I feel it with every ounce of my being. My soul just doesn’t feel the same. I don’t think it will ever feel the same until he and I are joined once more in the next life. And so that weighs heavily on my heart, and will until God calls me home.
My birthday is in one month. October 17th. Daddy always puts a number 5 candle on a cupcake to remind me that I am his Little Girl…. so tiny that I’m microscopic, as he would say. He would give me a card filled with words of love poured from the depths of his soul. It’s going to be SO hard to not get that card this year. So, instead, I think I will get a card and write a letter to him. I will play this small video clip, in which I can hear his voice. Admittedly, at the time I was so “into blogging” that I was distracted while he was singing. I curse myself now that I didn’t savor the moment more fully. I’m so sorry, baby.
Wait for me, Bae. I’m coming for you. I promise.