Day 5: And Then the Anger Came…
Dear Mahal ko,
I’m so angry I could cry…. again. Today I woke up just pissed off. I’m not pissed off at you. I promise. I know in my soul that you would never want to leave kiddo or I so suddenly. I know that! I’m angry that our world exploded so suddenly. I’m angry that your physical form passed 6 days ago and already both sets of parents are asking me, “where are you moving to, and what are you going to do for work??”. It has been SIX days!! I’ve tried speaking up and telling them I need to grieve. They’re giving me a little space while also pushing me to “get stuff done”.
It seems like these days there is a TON of stuff to get done. I haven’t even begun packing up the house. I finally roared last night that I would still be homeschooling kiddo for Grade 9. Our world exploded. She lost you in this physical, earthly realm. The last thing she needs is to get shoved in a random high school and be expected to thrive. I feel so angry and protective of her. I wish I could scoop kiddo up and go somewhere that we can just…. grieve. Cry. Be quiet and still. And be allowed to process our thoughts.
Gosh I miss you with every fiber of my being… I miss your beautiful, full lips. I miss your soft scent and the way my head fits perfectly in the nook between your chest and belly. I miss the way you used to cradle my head and gently stroke my hair. “Chan therapy” is what we used to call it. (Chan is the Tagalog word for stomach). I would place my head on your stomach to rest and my whole world instantly felt safer, better, and brighter.
I don’t know how to “do” this life without you, Bae. I don’t know how to move through each decision when my soul is crying out that it can’t go on. I keep taking deep breaths and trying to steady myself for our daughter. I keep telling myself that I know you’d want me to get scrappy, resourceful, and to just hang on until God calls me home to be with you. I’m trying, baby…. I’m really trying. Kiddo is also suffering so much. She get anxious if I go away for too long. Seeing your physical passing also wrecked her brain and I know therapy is on the horizon for the both of us once we get settled.
In our hearts we want to get a sailboat and spend the rest of our life out on the water. Is it crazy? Yeah, a little. But, it’s where you are. Your ashes are spread at sea. You specifically wanted this because you wanted you and I to return to the one place where we both felt most at peace together…. on the ocean. “Mama, we can do a YouTube channel and share our story about a mother and daughter starting over after complete heartbreak” my daughter said to me the other night, “I can’t go back into a new home. Not without Daddy!”. Though, as the parent I have to weigh all my options, I admit that I am tempted to take the leap of faith. Yes, sailboats have a lot of maintenance issues. Yes, we would have to earn money unconventionally. But, like my 14 year old daughter said it best: we just want to savor life with the rest of the time we are given.
This experience has made her grow up much more quickly. That makes me feel sad inside but I also understand.
Another alternative is to purchase a small home somewhere outright. A tiny “fixer upper” that we would own completely and make it our own. We would need a dog…. and community…. so that we don’t fall into a deeper depression. Would it make us happy? I don’t know. Thinking about being in a home without you, my love, makes me angry and sick to my stomach.
Speaking of stomach, you’d be proud of me. Well, maybe proud and sad all at the same time. I finally broke my caffeine addiction and stopped drinking Yorkshire tea altogether. I just can’t do tea time without you. I can’t do it. It was our thing. In fact, the last conversation we had on our Discord was about tea time. T_T
I miss you typing this to me when you would be ready to leave the office:
- Forever Your Daddy — 09/08/2022ok mahal ko
- [3:58 PM]I’ll see you soon mahal na mahal kita
- [3:58 PM]I love doing this song to come home to
- [3:58 PM]lol
- [3:58 PM]or this one
- [3:58 PM]oh wait
- [3:58 PM]I duno what its called
- [3:59 PM]anywho
- [3:59 PM]lol
- [3:59 PM]AYE
- [3:59 PM]perfect
- [3:59 PM]I love you mahal
- [3:59 PM]MWAHHHHHHHH
The song was “Closing Time” by: Semisonic. You loved to play that over Discord to get my attention when 4:00 rolled around and you were ready to come home. It always made me grin. That Discord message is the very last one we ever had. But, just as your name states, you are FOREVER my Daddy! I am still Little. I am still yours. Forever yours!
Ugh everything hurts and it’s only 7:24 am. God give me strength….