Every morning I wake up and feel for you. The moment I can’t my heart breaks all over again. It’s real. This living nightmare is real. Your physical form is gone. I squeezed my eyes shut and called out for you aloud. “Nani!”. In the depths of my mind your voice came instantly. “I’m here, baby boodle. Daddy’s here…”.

It’s beginning to sink in that Daddy’s physical form is gone. Fuck, this is hard.

I just want you, Daddy. I’d give anything to be with you once more. My soul literally hurts! I didn’t know it could hurt this much. Do you remember the children’s book, “The Missing Piece”? There once was a circle that had a wedge cut out of it. It rolled along, bumping and thumping, trying to find its missing piece. Some pieces came into the circle’s life but they were too small. Others were too big. And then finally when the circle was about to give up a wedge came along and looked at the circle. “I think you’re exactly what I’ve been looking for” it said to the circle.

You, Daddy, are my missing piece. We fit together perfectly. We are soulmates.

When you lose your soulmate in the physical realm half of your soul dies. It gets split in two. A part of you feels alive, present, able to process to a degree, and becomes aware of the “new normal”. The other part of you is just…. hollow. Empty. Numb. Why? Because the deepest love of your life is in the next life waiting for you.

Daddy, I know without a shadow of a doubt you are waiting for me. And now, I am treading water, trying to keep my head up a little so I don’t drown…. until I am called by God to come home.

I admit that my thoughts have begun to turn towards the potential reality that it might be years and years before I join you in the next life. That scares the hell out of me. How am I going to survive without you for so long in this earthly life? We were so connected while you were on earth. We spoke on Discord all day. We snuggled and dated each other at night. We did everything together! And suddenly, in the blink of an eye, God called you home and you were gone. Just. Like. That.

So…. it’s starting to sink in a little that it’s just me and Bubs here on earth now. You are here in spirit with us, and I am so grateful to God that I can still talk to you and hear your replies in my soul. My mind has started to “get scrappy” as we always called it, and think about ways to honor you in this life and keep you alive here on earth.

We can cook Filipino food. We can tell stories of your life and what you were like living with us. We can put your pictures up, and frame our love letters.

We are moving to the Pacific Northwest in 1 month. A day or two after my 38th birthday. I am still going to put a “5” candle on a cupcake and listen to you singing me happy birthday from the video clip. Instead of getting a card from you this year, which I always loved immensely, I am going to write you a letter, my love. Forever 5 years old. Forever your Kitten Kaboodle. Forever Daddy x Kitten.

I will try to not count the number of days since your physical passing, anymore. (It’s too depressing). Nor will I label these blog posts as “Day whatever”. I think, instead, I would like to begin to look forward to the rest of the life that I have left. Because I know that, (and we always said this to each other, no matter how long… or short… my life may be, I just want to savor that time. Because when it is over, there you’ll be. My sweet, amazing husband. <3 There you’ll be.

Forever us <3