Boxes, Bags, and Goodbyes…
In 3 days we are set to leave California for the Pacific Northwest. I try to paint on a “tough smile” for my daughter telling her interesting facts about Washington State.
“There are massive trees with actual GREEN leaves, baby!”
“Did you know that we are finally going to live in a place that has rain?”
It helps, somewhat. But for me it’s an act. I still feel half-dead inside and likely will for the rest of my life. However, life has a way of slapping you in the face with decisions and harsh reality when all you want to do is hide away in a hole.
-What are you going to do about insurance now?
-What type of job do you want to work?
-Are you going to lose weight while you’re grieving?
Questions…. questions…. questions. So many damn questions! Finally I lost my shit today. I had been holding it together so well these past 3 weeks since… everything. But today I just got… mad. “I NEED TIME TO BREATHE!” I roared at my mother. It wasn’t her fault really. She just wants to make sure I’m jumping through all the hurtles that need to get accomplished. I get it. But it’s hard to think about DMV registrations, a new license, etc. when only 3 weeks ago the love of my life was in my arms.
We could only take enough things that would fit into our Corolla. Our home became reduced to boxes, bags, and… a piece of luggage or two. Most everything was given away. I was determined to keep Daddy’s things and kiddo’s too. I spent over $100 in flat rate boxes to get my beloved YA novels up to the new house. (I love my books).
In the midst of all this change I have begun to think about the: what comes next? part of my life. A few things are abundantly clear:
- No, I am never going to marry again. Yes, I know I’m 38 years old. Yes, I know that means no sex for the rest of my earthly life. No, I don’t care. Daddy is my soulmate. Period, end of story.
- Yes, I do want to work in the Spring after the holidays are done. I want to use my life to make a difference and do something that matters. I’m leaning towards nursing.
- Yes, I’m still very much a Little. <3 Daddy and I will always be Daddy x Kitten. I talk to him often. I watch our home videos with him putting me in Little Space and it helps. Kiddo also is understanding that there will always be a part of me that loves being small.
It’s hard saying goodbye to California. I have been blessed beyond measure to live 3 miles from the ocean for the past 10 years. Just tonight over dinner our daughter suddenly said, “Mama, we have been so blessed to have the life that Daddy gave us”. I was shocked and slowly nodded to her. “Cheers to that, kiddo. We really have” I said softly and we clinked water cups. And we have had a really good life here. It wasn’t lavish or filled with traveling adventures. Instead, we were homebodies who absolutely loved spending time together. We snuggled often and laughed until our sides hurt.
It was a perfect, beautiful life. But life is like a river. It changes, ebbs, and flows in all kinds of directions. Life is fleeting and mortality sneaks up on us all. And so the best thing we can do is to savor time. Savor the moments (both good and bad) that make up the history of our life. Learn from our mistakes. Hold onto the happy memories. Let go of the heartaches. Find something you enjoy doing and push yourself to do it. Give and receive love to the fullest. And always find one thing each day to be happy about.
Today I am giving a small smile remembering that the Captain and I truly soaked up life together. We are best friends in this life and the next. Each day Daddy watches over me. Each day we still talk to one another, and while it’s different now… and oh, how I miss our banter… it’s still him. It will always be him that holds my heart and soul. Forever us.
In the next post I will detail how the trip up to Washington State went. Until then, everyone, stay safe and be well.