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Like Porcelain Dolls…

Human beings are so fragile. We walk around with a façade of arrogance that nothing can touch us. We convince ourselves that we have “plenty of time”. But what is time? Tonight I went for a walk with my daughter down the driveway of the farm. Our next door neighbor is an elderly Korean couple with limited English, but a heart of gold. We always wave to one another and give a simple bow of hello. They are extremely kind and we have enjoyed being neighbors for the past year or so. I knew that the man looked to have some health issues, but I wasn’t sure. When he heard about Daddy’s passing he came over with tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry for your loss” he said and tears leaked from his eyes. He and my husband were always kind and cordial to one another. We bowed to each other and I choked back tears.

So, tonight when we passed by his house I saw him struggle to get up from his chair. My eyes widened seeing him in pain and I hurried over and gestured for him to rest and sit back down, but he pushed himself to a stand. He was all skin and bones. “I’m sorry I cannot help you move…” he said softly and lifted up his shirt. Then he gently pulled down the edge of his waistband of his sweatpants to reveal taped, bloody gauze across his abdomen. “I have cancer” he croaked in sorrow, “the doctor says… 6 months left”. I felt the breath catch in my throat. “You rest now” I said quickly and helped him back into his chair, “don’t you worry. We’re going to be okay. You just rest and relax as much as you can”.

What is time? Is it the number of moments that you laugh with someone? Is it an infinite timeline that we all walk upon moving from the flesh into the spiritual realm? How do you measure time?

How much is enough time?

Life is so fragile and fleeting. Humans are as delicate as porcelain dolls. One moment we can be here and the next…. gone. Though the thought might appear to be morbid, I ask you to look at things another way. The body that you have is your vessel. How you care for it (or not) is entirely up to you, but it does not define you. Whether you have a 6-pack or not doesn’t matter. Whether you have a nice home or no home doesn’t matter either. The thing that people fall in love with, remember, and talk about, is your soul. Your soul… who you are… is the imprint left on the people you come into contact with.

How do you wish to be remembered?

Every day I wake up and tell myself that each day spent in this earthly life is one step closer towards being reunited with my husband and the love of my life. While I’m here on earth I will work hard and care for our daughter. I will uplift her and celebrate her life. I will provide a home for her and nurture her dreams and desires as best that I can. And then, one day when it is my time, I will finally be able to rest.

These days I don’t wake up assuming that I have tomorrow to live. I don’t assume anything anymore. If I live to see things come to pass or live to see goals achieved, then that is a blessing that I cherish. But, I don’t assume that things will happen. I can’t. This grieving process has been the hardest thing to be walking through. I am grieving the physical loss of my husband and best friend… and I’m also grieving the life we built together. All of our shared dreams, aspirations, wishes, and plans… now have changed. That’s deeply painful to let go.

But, not all is bleak. Daddy used to play a song for me called, “Rainbow” by: South Border (a Filipino band). In the song they sing:

Even if there is pain now
Everything would be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
There’s a rainbow always after the rain

This time of grief and mourning is just another continuation of our story. But it isn’t the end. It’s just a period in time. And time still moves along even when we are hurting and it’s “raining”. So… we hold on. Just keep holding on.

I love you, Daddy. Forever us. <3 <3 <3

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