It took 2 days to drive up here to Washington State. Two long days in the car. I’m not the best at road trips. With Daddy, being in the car was fun. We’d laugh, sing, and just soak up every moment together. But the entire 15 hour drive was me… anxiety-filled, praying to arrive safely, talking to daddy in my mind, and just wanting to break down and cry.
Home, well, my old home in California hurt like hell. It was the place where Daddy physically passed on. It was hard to stay there without feeling like I was reeling. And yet, now that I’m here in a fresh space…. so, too, came a fresh set of tears. This place feels so foreign to me. It’s not home (yet). Everything is different. The scenery is different. The roads are different. And what the hell is up with all of the roundabouts? Why do Washingtonians need so many roundabouts??
I guess I’ll get used to it. I don’t have much of a choice.
There’s also Fall leaves here. Ah, Fall. It’s our favorite time of the year. The Captain especially loves Fall. Back home we had to wait for my birthday (in T-minus 2 weeks from today), for fall to arrive. But here in the Pacific Northwest Fall is in full bloom. The trees are literally weeping orange, gold, and red all over the green lawn outside. My daughter said it best when she swallowed back tears and said, “on one hand it’s beautiful but on the other hand Fall hurts”. I get it, kiddo. I really do.
And so…. I’m here. I’m in a new space surrounded by boxes, bags, and photos of my deepest love. I am just trying to breathe. I asked my family to give me until February to grieve. Why February? October is my birthday and Halloween. November is Thanksgiving. December is Christmas and our 9th Anniversary. And January is kiddo’s 15th birthday. Yeah…. it’s going to be a loooong holiday season. 🙁
Your wonderful comments on here help me to feel less alone. So thank you to all of you. It means the world. I know the Captain thanks you too.
~Penny x