I am going to try and be more positive on here. I admit that there are days when finding positivity seems like a tall order to do. But, I don’t want to become a negative person who gripes on their blog each and everyday. So, in an effort to try and be more positive I have begun looking for “slivers of light” or tiny things that are positive right now. This is what I’ve found:
- When needing to fill out what can only be described as a mountain of paperwork in this process… one of the things I had to get was the addresses of Daddy’s siblings. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but Daddy’s family is spread across the world! So, from China to Japan to the Philippines and more, I was on the hunt texting down members of the family to get their personal info. But miraculously they came together and helped me get all of the information I needed! Thanks fam! <3
- My regular contact with Daddy has been going well. I fall into a deep state of meditation (twice daily) and just… commune with him. I allow my spirit to open and receive whatever messages Daddy wishes to say. It soothes my soul greatly.
- Kiddo and I got library cards! (And we got to even pick out the design for them too). This one tiny act of “normalcy” for us meant everything. She and I nearly skipped around the library today swooning at the massive selection they have. And the best part? There was an entire section devoted to graphic novels!
- I am watching a lovely show on Netflix that allows my mind to relax for short periods of time. The show I’m currently watching is, “Virgin River”. It’s really good and I’m excited to see where the storyline goes.
- I lost 3 more pounds without even exercising or starving myself. Since my mom is living with us this month she has been preparing salads and quinoa bowls galore… and voila! The pounds melted off. Maybe there is something to living low-carb?
- I’m reading a fabulous book that has me completely hooked. It’s called, “The Stranger in the Lifeboat” by: Mitch Albom. It’s about 9 people on a life raft in the ocean after their yacht went down. They cried out for help and suddenly a man appeared in the water. After hauling him in the stranger said that he is God. This book revolves around the question: what would you say to God if you were face to face? It’s really, really well written and I’m thoroughly enjoying it.
So… that’s my list. I’m not going to sit here and say that I’m the same person that I was before Daddy passed over into the next life, because that would be complete B.S. There are parts of me that are the same. I am still kinky at heart. (I even talk to Daddy about little space when we commune together and I checked out a D/s book from the library). I still enjoy music, but there are certain songs that are difficult to listen to right now. But, there are parts of me that are completely altered forever. I am not as bubbly as I once was. These days I’m much more quiet. Before everything I had a “carpe diem” attitude towards life. I would write bucket lists and had a never-ending well of creativity flowing from within. These days my creativity is pretty much zapped. I don’t assume that we have boatloads of time left before we pass. I don’t assume that just because someone is biologically young that it means that they will live a long time. Seeing the mortality of life right in your hands will change you forever.
However, not all of the changes to me are negative. There is an inner peace that I hold that wasn’t there before. Before everything, I was ever-searching for “my purpose”. I prayed to God to help me to understand the meaning of life. I felt caught in this hamster wheel of trying different creative ventures to see if something would click. Inevitably I would hit burnout and collapse. But these days my life has become very simple… very peaceful… and extremely quiet. My purpose is to uplift my daughter to reach her full potential. My purpose is to provide her with a stable life, home, roots, and security. I will be there ensuring that stability and home for her until I am finally called home by God to join Daddy in heaven. What is 30 or 40 years when I get all of eternity to be with him together? <3 That’s how I see things now. Simple. Quiet. Focused. And I’m okay with that.
I also know that everyday that I wake up here on earth is one step closer in this life before I am reunited again with my love. It is a chance to marvel at our daughter and watch her grow up. It is a chance to soak up time with her to the fullest, as I know Daddy would want me to do, and to enjoy it while I am here.
I am going to strive to remain humble, grateful, and as positive as I can. Thank you all for continuing to read this blog. Hugs to you all. x