The Countdown Begins
I love my mother. I really do and I am thankful for her unending love and support since my Daddy (and husband) passed 31 days ago. However, living with a parent at almost 40 years old is…. difficult. My mother is no exception.
For as long as I can remember my mother has berated herself when it comes to her weight. For years she battled being too heavy (much like myself). Then, as she aged into her 60s she retired and devoted almost every waking hour to fitness and now she rests at a healthy 190 lbs. at nearly 70 years old. Honestly she looks great and walks almost 6 miles a day without breaking much of a sweat. I tip my hat to her.
However, as my list of legal “to do” things is now coming to a close…. my mother (who is a type A personality and loves to “fix” things) has turned her attention to my weight as the next way to help me through this tragedy.
While my mind is quiet, still, and trying to recover, my mother has taken it upon herself to stock the house full of low-carb foods and vegetables. Kiddo and I love a good sandwich. Now we eat said sandwich on cauliflower thins. Apparently this is some sort of faux-bread. It’s not that I like fatty, greasy, meaty filled foods. Far from it! But, I miss being comforted by oat milk, crackers, and pasta dishes with homemade sauce. Now, I’m eating keto egg cups and low-carb sausage links. But I digress.
As I choked down another keto-friendly meal today I reflected on something Daddy said to me the night before his spirit passed into the next life. He wrote a sticky note to me that reads: Kitten, you are beautiful and sexy just the way you are! Love, Daddy XOXO. If I’m being radically honest, I have never found myself to be particularly attractive. I have struggled with self-esteem issues for most of my life and mimicked the same behaviors that my mother has done all of her life. Now that I have a teenage daughter I know it is more important than ever to swaddle myself in love, acceptance, and compassion as I have a better relationship with the food I eat.
We are all beautiful just the way we are. Daddy has seen my weight at my heaviest, my lowest, and every number in between. He never batted an eyelash or treated me any different regardless of the chub on my frame, and for that I am eternally grateful. This time of grieving is also a time for self-love and compassion. It is a time to remind myself that I don’t need to stress about weight loss or gain. I don’t need to look a certain way to find a job or be successful. I need to be me! Just me. Because who I am is beautiful with or without big hips and a butt.
I also acknowledge that perhaps my mother nit-picking my weight is her way of dealing with the grief she holds in losing my husband. She cared for him greatly too as the mother-in-law. And because he passed due to a heart attack, now her brain is spinning in alert and fear that I might keel over the very same way. So, it’s important for me to remember that everyone grieves differently. Everyone’s fears, baggage, and demons manifest in various ways (especially in times when we are most vulnerable). Now is the time for extra patience and compassion.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. – Ephesians 4:2
I’m trying. I’m really, really trying. I just don’t want to be told that a banana has 27 grams of carbs when I’m having a snack, or emotionally eating. 🙁 In 20 days she is heading back to Maui for a few months and then it’s just kiddo and I alone over the holidays. The countdown is on. Until next time x